Delroy's Resignation.

[Delroy]

I came to surfing after browsing Counter-Strike videos on Youtube. One of them was on the recommended that wasn't of a Match Making game but of something else. A side of Counter-Strike I haven't seen. Surfing. 

I watched it, thinking "Why haven't I heard of these custom servers!?" So I opened my game and clicked on the "Browse Community Servers" and filtered it by "Surf". It was just pot luck, that the very first Browse Community Server that I joined was Killzone Gaming. 

I was new, brand new. I wasn't aware of the assumed knowledge, or the common sense kind of new. I saw a dark room, standing on a platform, with a 45 degree angle lip at the edge. I saw people flying as they jumped over it. I spent a good 20 minutes figuring out how to fly. Turns out... all I had to do was walk into the damn thing! Well shit, now I'm flying. What the fuck am I suppose to do now. I had no idea how to surf. I remember holding [W] trying to make it as far as possible. I remember seeing a large opened box at the end of the yellow and black striped surf ramps. I was about to give up, before asking the server for help!

My god, did I catch the kindest members of the community that day. Although a few showed me the side of the community that do troll, and banter a majority actually offered to kick start my new hobby with fundamentals that would help me progress. Quickly, did I learn how to manipulate surf ramps and maneuver in the air. But fuck... I was stuck on stage two... Damn cherries...

I was addicted. This happens to me a lot. I can't pick something up, and put it down until I consider myself at least 'good' at it. I became ambitious.

I found my place in the community very quickly. In fact, some people even shunned me for it. I suppose rightfully so. I consider myself an extremely helpful person, fueled with my friendly attitude, to a fault. In every game I've played I always put others progression before mine. It is how I feel validated. I firmly believe if I can help another, I can help myself. Being able to complete a stage, or even an obstacle on a stage made me feel entitled to explaining, and teaching other players. 

Yes, I know. You're probably thinking. "But you're fucking new, and you are so bad, how dare you think you can teach someone how to surf!?"

Good question, but my answer is because I made it further than them. 

It was known, that Delroy was the new kid, helping the new kids. That's what my meaning on the server became. Was to help. 

 

I am relatively good, at understanding things, down to very minute detail. My methods of which I pick apart things I don't understand, help me understand them comprehensively. I soon was able to complete maps with process of elimination and help from others. I was going up the ranks. I was creating many friends. I was really happy with my new 'home'.

 

Someone suggested that I should consider becoming an admin. I had only played for a few weeks, it was not at all something I've considered. I felt as though I was able to help without the position. So I thought nothing of it. 

But the very idea of being an authority figure, and a community figure was all but dwindling. I kept thinking about it. I kept moving towards it. I started researching it. I stopped. "Ask for vouches!?" I can't do that!

I found it completely against my character, to ask people to vouch for me. I felt as though I should apply, and have those interested and involved in this sort of thing to notice me. For who I am, not for what I'm asking. So I chose not to apply. For a good few days.

But it came to me, why not ask to apply in another fashion? I contacted Skyprah shamelessly asking if I could apply without the vouch requirement, and just have those who support me and notice me give my application a verdict. He explained that he was interested in my application, that he'd have heard about me, but that I have to apply in accordance with the system. 

Bugger...

I contemplated not applying, but the very idea of the person who created this journey I was on was interested and heard about me, just drove me to excitement. So I did, I started shamefully asking whether or not people would vouch for me. I had quite a few friends, I think roughly 22 vouched vouched for me. I was really excited about this. 

The flurry of support that rolled in +1'ing my application felt really good and soon after, I was accepted by Skyprah himself!

So many members of the community blew up and congratulated my success on becoming an admin, and I was welcomed wholeheartedly and completely. But I had it figured that I didn't want to ever appear above others, except for those breaking the rules. Mic Spammers, Abusers, Harassers, Spammers, Those with malice or attempting to vex. I considered my self still, a peer. I feel like I was fully appreciated across the board.

An event broke out, that tested me strongly where I had to make decisions at my own discretion based on the severity of abuse and harassment of certain individuals who were attacking the server with malice by wreaking havoc and chaos. 

One of the players that night, who in retrospect wasn't involved, rather just chose and inconvenient time to participate in the action said things under the influence of alcohol. Someone I looked up to, and greatly appreciated. I was extremely new, as an admin and was only just given access to all the heavy commands and I hadn't developed methods or been given an order of action to follow nor did I have any exampled to refer to. 

Statements were made, along the lines of "I'm going to go play on <insert other server here>." were made and I firmly asked him to stop. He showed no intent on leveling with me instead he made the silly decision to vex me, by trying to banter with me about asking him to stop. He said, strictly "Why is it not okay for me to play on <insert other server here>?" I felt obliged to explain, but there was no authentic interest in his questions so I explained to him if he really wants to understand why what he was saying isn't okay, then he should take it up with Skyprah. I made it clear that I was going to stop him from dragging this out and he disregarded any care for calming down so I explained to him that I am going to remove him from the server and force him to have a rhetorical conversation with Skyprah or other admin about this situation which would in turn, serve 2 purposes.

1) That he made mistakes he needs to rectify, and feel sorry for. Fully understanding and accepting them to move on.

2) That I am going to do my job impartially, and correctly.

I need to be clear here: 

I did not ban this player from the server, I sent him to the principals office. Metaphorically speaking. I made it clear to as many members of the staff team that this 'ban' was unofficial and was to be cleared completely, once he accepts and understands his mistakes. I soon after, learned that there is a permanent archive and I tainted his name with a physical ban against him and for that I am sorry my naivety prevented me from knowing this. If I had known, I would have followed this up in a different manner, but at the time I was developing skills and methods that were effective, as I was still on trial without any proper elaborate training. 

I was given permission to be the one to take him off his ban, but because I wasn't eligible to I consulted a higher staff member to revoke it. The problem with this, was my explanation and the conversation this staff member had with this banned individual I could only imagine was incorrect. By my understanding, the conversation consisted of me being in the wrong to ban him, that it was an abuse of power, and that he had done nothing wrong. 

This information was ran with, and I watched my friends who heard about this situation turn against me, and I was left curious and lost as to what was being said. All I knew, was those I befriended began hanging around this player and spoke ill towards me about my abuse of power, and that this player did nothing wrong, and every time I muted, or gagged someone for breaking the rules this group of people would attack me again both loud and low-key referring back to the player I banned. 

A grudge was held, that I was in good hope would fade. As a result I left it, in hopes to again be on the same page with this person who made a mistake and continue the friendship I was developing. 

Call me crazy, but I gave no reaction to those trying to recycle this issue on that players behalf except for asking them to stop. 

Apart from this, weighing heavy on me, the fact that friends have turned on me, I continued my journey on the server trying to learn, teach, and support. But every time I hear people talking about that situation it always got worse, and worse.

Fast forward 4-5 months, I just came back from a 3-4 week break, and I caught someone talking shit about KZG. I made it clear that he needs to stop. The things he was saying was malicious, in its very nature. He wasn't speaking to anyone specifically and there was no banterous tone in his voice. He was genuinely trash talking the server. Because he disregarded the rules to the server and my warning for him to stop I silenced him for 20 minutes. Only for him to start back up once the duration ended resulting in him receiving another 20 minute silence. He then left the server. 

It became clear he was apart of a group where some were associated with the situation about the player I banned and he started making inside jokes, about it. Saying things that only I would understand. So, if I were to react the server would be like "What the hell did he do!?" But one thing he did do, was explicitly advertise another server. The same server the other player advertised. I understand that this was 'banter', but this still breached a rule that is by default results in a permanent ban. 

My decision to give him a 10 day ban, instead of a permanent ban was nothing but leniency and considerate. I wanted him to know the severity of what he was getting himself involved, and have him realize that he needed to stop. I felt like this was clear. 

As soon as this happen, people started logging on immediately to abuse, harass and push me. I feel like I handled it all well, but everything was shrouded with chaos and left people questioning what is going on. The admins on at the time were apart of the abuse, and that explains why they gave no support in the event. I do not want to wrongfully accuse anyone specifically for instigating the whole 'logging on and attack' movement but it wasn't until that I sent to the principals office started publicly disclosing his fabricated truth. The story he told people that made me lose friends. The story that those without opinions were proudly bandwagon-ing as he seemed hard-done-by and I'm clearly just swinging my power around like Thors hammer. 

I had asked him to stop, on several occasions. It was established all along that he had me muted, and this is a testament as to why members of the community can't have admin muted. He was not exempt from my orders, and as a result I processed a 10 day silence. Which means he is unable to talk both in chat, and with microphone for 10 days. 

The story (although believable) was propaganda in nature, and slanderous against my name. It was very specific, and the agenda was clear. I endured days of harassment and abuse, that people are disguising at banter.

I by no means felt capable of handling this by my self, so I followed up all my sever actions to the highest admins online at the time. I also called admins to log onto the server incognito if possible to witness it first hand. 

But because I gave no reaction all along to the players with false information, I didn't have a leg to stand on. My own decision to give benefit of the doubt was my own downfall. 

A witch hunt ensued, people who don't know me, dictated my actions and personality. People who I haven't even had the privileged to introduce my self loathed me. Why is that?

 

I took to the platforms I felt were necessary to approach, but my inability to back up my experiences rendered any credibility I had as trust based. I had truths twisted and turned and used against me, which supported an orchestrated movement against me. I gave confidential information to one of the staff members who was heavily involved in the continuation of this drama as a test of loyalty and an attempt to expose the corruption which in turn would only serve a good deed as the streets would be cleaned and the drama would resolve. 

However, the only card I had. Which was the truth, and that I wanted it to end, was taken from me when those attacking me cleverly decided to play that card to Skyprah. 

Here is what is fact: 

- I endured days of abuse, harassment, and even a witch hunt. 

- It was fueled by a vendetta, a grudge that wasn't let go.

- I was the one in hopes that it would fade out.

- How could this group be the ones who just wants it to end, when they set out to attack and destroy me.

I want it to be clear that I understand the situation fully and that's why I'm going to address this resignation as my loss and their win. 

Accepting the fact that you couldn't overthrow me, you took away the only card I held onto. Which was pure. It was hope. 

You know fully that this would tear me apart. 

That I would talk about this. 

Say something I shouldn't, make a mistake, to which you would again strike and attack.

 

The real reason I chose to resign isn't first hand because you win. But because I failed. It is not possible, that this gets fixed, unless you or I are taken from the server. I firmly believe that you don't want this to end, and are playing my card, only hoping for a better time to strike, as that's how all of this has played out. But in all honesty, I'm fed up. I want it to be over. I want to help the server and I am given an ultimatum:

Help it by removing you.

Help it by removing me.

There is drama, and these are our only options. Me not resigning will create a paradox that will only break to another attempt to ruin me. 

So here is my resignation.

 

I am deeply sorry to all members who take this as a surprise. It needs to be clear that I am extremely emotional with this decision and yes, it is irrational and decided with haste but I am at a wits end. It was a beautiful opportunity to offer you with all my support, and I hope admin in future are able to be as actively ambitious to provide you with all the information and advice needed to help you grow as a surfer and member of the community. 

I am deeply sorry to all staff members who take this as a surprise. It needs to be clear that there is a problem, that seriously need to be addressed. People know the problem, but no-one considers it to be a priority. Listen to those who care, and disdain those who are okay with this. It needs to get fixed, or members of the team like me will feel suffocated.

I am deeply sorry to Skyprah, I truly do feel like I'm letting you down. I am too emotionally invested in this position because my strong passionate personality prioritizes things like this over things that actually matter in reality. You provided me with an opportunity to grow as a person, and I was given validation as a person on so many occasions and this journey will always be a part of me and the decisions I make in the future.

I am deeply sorry to all members of the community who were blindly lead into a situation they don't properly understand. I commend you for supporting what you felt was right. I hope no backlash from this comes upon you, but I do hope you see the reality and weight of all this. 

To those who abused me, harassed me, and do not feel sorry about this. You probably find it hilarious how upset I am. You're probably going to make a meme out of me. I sincerely hope you experience something that changes your attitude. I am real, I put my blood sweat and tears into everything I am passionate about. You have destroyed a really good thing I was proud of. I want you to know I did not deserve this.

To anyone else I've missed, I only hope good things for you.

To anyone who might have expected a message, I will contact you outside of this resignation. I hope our friendships exceed past the bounds of the community of KZG.

To you, specifically. You won. 
You wanted it to end right? It was just so hard for you to endure all this drama. I can only imagine how difficult it was to share your hard-done-by story to everyone. I'm sorry you felt compelled to tell everyone your story. I can see clearly that you wanted it to be over. You played no part in any of the recycling of bullshit, the instigation of any of this, and I acknowledge that all you've ever done was to support the very fact that you wanted this to be over. I realize you had no malicious intent against me. Strange... how this appears to sound sarcastic, why is that?

 

Thank you, everyone. Perhaps I'll see you around on the surf server. If not, you know where to find me. 

It's be an absolute pleasure.

Peace.

[NyX]

Good luck in moving on^^

[Cheese]

sad to see you go good luck in the near future <3

[B1N]

@Delroy we are to chill tell ally to come by and play h1 whenever fam to the people that bullied you into a corner and made you feel less then i hope very soon they get what is coming to them you are always welcome on KZG servers.

[sm!]

The man, the myth, the LEGEND

Thankyou for your time as an admin, will happily give your perms back if you wish. Make sure i still see you around

[medzii]

This is truly a disgustingly sad story and I hate to hear it @Delroy. I obviously don't know you and haven't met you but I still feel deeply hurt on you behalf. Anyone who is belittled and undermined to the point where they give up requires support. To those who caused this, you have not won and you do not deserve a place in KZG. Hopefully you can make a return to KZG but if not, I wish you luck for your future.

[Macgregor]

So sad to see you go, you were such a great admin and I wish the best of luck to you and your girlfriend in streaming and life.

[fluffyst]

sad 2 see u go delroy ='( #pray4delroy #top10animeendings

[Squizzy]

Fuck, well even though our paths did not cross much during your time during KZG, I wish only greatness for you in the future. I do understand that these things get to people and kill their lights with darkness and unfortunately this has happened to you. I hope in your future endeavours you relight yourself and hopefully relight the people that were only there to tear you down. Good Luck In the future
Squizzy

[Acid]

No TLDR? 

Jokes aside, will miss you man. 

Cya brother

[knxwledge]

later bo, best of luck in da future

[Buzz]

im crying right now and I blame it all on chibi, he abuses me everyday and forces me to forfeit rocket league games. I'm sorry if that's what he has done to #top10animeendings #pray4delroy -Buzz ur best friend even though I removed u from steam we r still best. Frends

[Haz]

Didn't really see you on Surf, maybe cause when i started gettin into Other KZG servers you started Surf and went for admin. All i knew about you was people talkin about how sick you were and how nice you were. So i assume your a pretty nice dude. Hopefully you being nice pays of in your future, i'm sure it will however; GL anyways.

Hope to finally meet you properly some time soon, once again GL.

[SpaceJam2k]

On 2017-2-26 at 11:18 PM, Buzz said:

im crying right now and I blame it all on chibi, he abuses me everyday and forces me to forfeit rocket league games. 

wtf lol 

Edited June 12, 2017 by SpaceJam2k